I've been giving up on so many things within the past year. I gave up cycling, gave up blogging, stopped reading books (I have recently started again), for the past month I've not attended a single tabla class. I haven't been involved in drama or gone for any auditions. I've basically stopped doing the things I couldn't live without once upon a time. Not too long ago, I would cycle at least once every week, blog at least once a week, and at any one point I would be reading at least one book. Not too long ago, I used to be waist deep in drama rehearsals and performances. I feel like I'm losing myself. Theres a really weird feeling that comes with watching yourself change and stop doing the things you once loved. Every time I think of whats happening to me, I get really annoyed with myself for letting it happen but do absolutely nothing about it, and that annoys me more.
I've always dreamed of making it, like getting a chance to act in a broadway production, or to become successful by writing or something. Okay fuck that... I'd be really happy if I even ended up being a quarter as successful as that. But it's like every single time I start on the road to somewhere, I drop out soon after. I lose steam and get demoralised, or just fuck up. I'm at an all time low now, feeling about as useful as a 90 year old man's dick.
When I was 16, I started getting interested in deejaying. I saw someone use his laptop to deejay once and went home and started yahooing (google wasnt famous then) djing softwares. I downloaded PCDJ which seemed really novel at that time because you could load two mp3s onto each decks and play them seamlessly. Then I discovered better software and eventually when I found that I could actually scratch on my laptop, I almost shat myself in excitement. I spent a lot of time familiarising myself with the software and learning the basics of deejaying. I got my first gig at a friend's friend's 16th birthday party when I was almost 18. My set up was just basically a laptop and my mouse. I guess my first gig sucked quite bad (thank you Elias for bringing it to my attention), but it was an important step for me, because it was after that gig that I decided that I liked djing.
Some other deejays often told me that I'd have to take lessons if I wanted to become a real dj, and every time they said that, I'd say fuck you to them (in my head). I believed that although it would take me longer, I could figure it out on my own, or through free materials. For the next year and a half, I had a total of two more gigs. I improved a little more, and together with some friends spent some money on a home theatre system and lighting that we could use for small gigs. Soon after, I was introduced to this deejay called Bobbi. I have a lot to thank him for, because even though I pretty much fucked up the first event he gave me, he still gave me more gigs. Without him I'd probably still be a bedroom dj. He basically gave me a lot of exposure and I have learned a lot since, and I think it is safe to say that I dont suck anymore.
However, when I look at myself now, I know that I still have a really fuckin long way to go, because even though I dont suck, I am nowhere near good or even halfway near good, and I get afraid that I am not gonna make it and I'll just give up on deejaying as well. Another part of me wants to conquer more. I love emceeing as well. I want to do that too. But as of now, I have only secured one emceeing stint. I am the kind of person who loves the arts and entertaining and I have realised that while I do enjoy working in law firms, I want the freedom to pursue what I love doing as well.
Now that I have finished school and gotten my diploma, I find myself lost, I dont know whether I want to spend the rest of my working life being a paralegal or maybe eventually a lawyer, or whether I want to continue deejaying and emceeing and acting etc. Why does everything have to be so fucking rigid. Why cant I do both? Im sorry for the very disorganised post, I have no intention of making my points flow. This is all just verbal diarrhea. It helps make me feel a little better typing my thoughts out. Okay fuck this... Im gna go sleep. gdnite.
No comments:
Post a Comment